realization (part:?)

 i... didn't actually loved her, i only loved the feeling of distraught she gave me, that feeling gave me some kind of sense of humanity (?) . i clung to it, even though i actually don't really care about her.. as a matter of fact, i never actually really cared for anyone, i have never loved my past exes (yeah this one is right actually) which is crazy to think about, because i don't feel any sympathy for any of them. sometimes i feel like my humanity's eroding, and i become more and more ... disinterested? fuck this is all so weird to me. i know other people also feel this way, because the experience of life is just basically almost the same for everyone, there is no "original" experience. 

maybe one day i can regain the feeling of sympathy and humanity that i once had (? what the fuck? what is wrong with me.) (edgy as hell). because right know i just can't afford to give a goddamn shit about anyone except my family, really all i care about is my family and some friend, like two of them. and after all that, i still abandon them in favor of myself. 

matter of fact, is that even what sympathy and humanity really is? i don't think it really is as simple as spending my time without a care in the world for the people i love, there has to be something more to it.

(not it)

everyday i feel like i get more and more distant from peers, yet i don't really give a shit because all i really care about is myself. people tell me I'm missing out in life, or I'm not having fun at the time of life where everything matters, is it really? i don't regret a single decision I've ever done in the pursue of efficiency, even if it means that I'm "missing out on all the fun" because for me this is what "fun" is. it's having control over your life and working for path of life that you lead.

sometimes i feel like killing myself if i waste my time, it's a really great motivator but it's also the one that will kill me in the end, i know that but i still do it anyway. really, it's the thing that has really strained my relationship with people, especially my past partners because i abandoned them in favor of working. in reality i don't give two shits about anything that won't maximize my efficiency and quality of work.

i see a lot of my peers, having social media addiction and i just think to myself "does any one of them ever think about what they're doing?" , but it's fine for me. it's these kinds of people that feed the economy and keep it running well. the consumers mindset reaching in and taking over is a really good thing because it will stimulate economic activity. but it will also make future generations worse because of less savings and less productivity because everyone requires more to keep themselves satisfied.... well, as if i give even a single fuck about what anyone else does. as long as they benefit me, i don't really care at all about them. (wtf..)

i think now i really understand why this country is so fucked in so many ways .. i don't want to live here, it's hot as shit and the people are shit, too. what a fucking combination.

maybe one day i can move out of this country? i fucking hope so. the birth lottery is crazy... it even got me here..  all i really want is to live in a city like moscow with it's huge as fuck subway system, i just really love the concept so much. 

to be honest i don't even know what i will live for if it's not for working for myself,  just feels as if I'm just a worthless piece of human.

i can't waste my time with others except for the people i truly care about. this is just basically what all this is about.

edit : you're a liar, they still haunt you in your dreams you narcissistic piece of shit, maybe one day i can stop being like that but maybe one day. 

 edit 2 : heyyy it stopped, fucking crazy shit damn

 edit 3 :( 27th april 2025 )  i dont know what i was smoking back then, but it honestly was just as simple as me not being able to work out with her because i didnt make time for our relationship to develop and i was just selfish too, i hope i can be better one day.